broken fixtures can’t be mended with bandages. they just cover scars temporarily. time has allowed me to break + mend & move on. there was a time when i didn’t think that was possible. a time when i was on edge all the time. i was bitter and angry with everyone. no one could tell me different & it wasn’t for them to do so. you have to evaluate your worth & know that you have a reason to fight. we are guaranteed death. there’s no way around that. you can ask and even beg for it now, take your own life or whatever but the fact of the matter is if you decide to fight. fight for yourself because you’re the one who’s ultimately affected by your decisions & thought process.
my exterior can be very direct & somewhat unapproachable to people who are easily comforted by smiles & pleasant greetings. it doesn’t mean that i don’t intend to be nice at some point. it just means that you should give it time. i usually come around after a while. time & patience is everything.
i look up to men like martin luther king jr, malcom x, langston hughes, bill cosby, spike lee, will smith, denzel washington, gordon parks, miles davis, john coltrane, michael jackson & etc to be completely honest . i never want to be ignorant to the fact that these men have truly made an impact in my life in whatever way because they have. i am always learning something knew about their strength & intelligence hoping to be at least a portion of what they are as challenging as that may be. what i’m saying is no one can ever say that every black man they encounter isn’t a man of pride because there are plenty out there that are. they strive to be great & that’s truly visible to me.
i miss the days when the ups & fedx would show up to my porch & leave these little packages. that doesn’t happen so much these days but i really did live for them. i don’t even remember the last one i’ve gotten. sad times.
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to be anything other than a human being first will always baffle me ..& maybe because i am on the other side of this invisible fence makes me feel like i have to defend myself at times when i shouldn’t have to. i hate the what if questions as well as those questions where people demand answers because i honestly have none to give or should i say i am not obliged to give an answer. i’ll set any record straight when i have to but there’s really no obligation to anyone when it comes to what i do in my personal life.
i am a open book when it comes to my life & lifestyle. i have been very sure of myself as a youth & regardless if i felt like me coming out was the most daring thing or not i did so because it felt right. i had to be free & no one was going to take that freedom away from me. not my family, friends or strangers. i still feel the same way several years later. i don’t think i will ever completely know myself but who does? being gay doesn’t change that neither does being straight - why? because we’re all human at the end of the day.
i love women & more than likely always will. anyone who has an issue with love does not know what it means to love. they don’t know what it means to feel something that can’t be controlled by race, religion, sexuality & any other barrier that humans try to put in front of it. at the end of the day i will spread love & i will understand where people come from because they are at least working with me - not against me. sorry for the rant.
my thoughts come alive when i ink them to paper. i can be as honest as i want with no judgement or doubt. i am free to speak my whole mind, my inner truths & shed light on sins that others would probably over analyze. i can be as mad as i want & as bold as i am through written letters to myself. that’s what ink to paper is for me. a voice that’s louder than i could ever attempt to be vocally.
many women floor me with their intelligence. it’s a form of beauty that will always win over anything else. i talk to quite a few for hours just to hear them talk about things they’re passionate about. it makes me smile & makes me want to learn new things. for this reason alone i am open. i am open to all things that are new to me. all things that will help me know worlds i may never explore personally & ultimately shows me that love is true in it’s form. i can love you for what you teach me. love you for our journey & love you because of who you are. i’m just so grateful for the women in my life. you are all teaching me things & i’m forever humbled by all the greatness.
i welcome new people into my life as they welcome me into theirs. we don’t know what we’ll mean to each other right away but in due time the layers unfold & things become what they become. there are a certain few that spark fireworks & others that i simply adore and nothing more but i never let it be my decision. i follow the chemistry if there’s any between me & those individuals. i have had the chance to be in the presence of amazing people - some of which i still communicate with today. if you show me that you care for me, i’ll be there for you no matter what. play with my heart & i will cut you off.
when i’m into someone they’ll know it. i’m not always blunt about it - not that i can’t be because i can but it drives people to fear and i don’t want anyone to be afraid of my forwardness. i’m human you know? we tend be so afraid to be forward because of what others may think of us. they won’t like you for many reasons but that special person will love you because of your kindness & the genuine qualities. i aim to be bold for whoever that person is. not someone who thinks shallow of my character.
my truth is too forward to be masked with metaphors.