in the darkest hour. i wrestle with my thoughts. not intentionally. it just so happens that i have buried emptiness in this shell we call bodies. it’s there. it’s always been there. it’s full of lingering feelings that won’t let up. it requires me to cry. i know it. it’s the one thing i reject. one thing i haven’t done in a while that i know i must do in order to release. i feel my emotions welling up on the inside. i’m stubborn though. i’m typing this in real time. typing this as i feel a few emotions at once. my mind is going off. i’ve always had separation issues. whether with me disappearing or others disappearing out of my life. it stems from my relationship with my father. it stems from him not being frequent so now i expect people to leave. i expect them to come back whenever they choose to. i expect that someone may be waiting for me to enter their life again but i can’t say that i will. i have high anxiety when it comes to disappearing. it does something to me. this is why i wrestle with getting close. these are just my thoughts in the darkest hour. sleep please find me.
out of sync. i have taken notice to how out of sync i have been with my social media networks. i feel out of place. i feel like i am not connected anymore although i would simply love to me. something has got to give. there has to be a balance or at least more of me interacting & making connections with people all over the world. i miss it. i need it. i want to be in the moment in my physical life as well as on the web. it’s just consuming at times. i have given so much of myself over the years to the internet. at times it just felt like a job that i never got paid for. i take that back though because i have been paid in various ways in a rich way. i am looking at the goals i set for myself & one of them is to be more social. there are some amazing people out there that i have yet to come across. i am slowly finding my way again. bare with me.
open to receive. these past few months have been good. better than good. they’ve been insightful. very eye opening. so much so that i can’t even make complete sentences. i have truly enjoyed myself & i am still in the process of really indulging deeper. i’ve learned how to make money stretch. how to take a few hundred & really make the best of it. prior to traveling to a state i never saw myself actually traveling to - i’d tell myself i had to have so much saved in order to comfortably leave. that was just one of my many excuses until i decided to see. simply see what i would be capable of doing with less than five hundred dollars. again, these past few weeks have been amazing. i’m just ready to find out more interesting things about myself. we’re here to learn as well as teach. mad love to the universe for paving a way for me. asking for guidance really came in hand. i needed this. all of it.
jupiter rising. poems never written are those lines that stroke my mental like facial hair on men that’s grown out too long. those are the thoughts that dance and do the waltz on my brain cells when i’m asleep at night. i used to dream that someday you & i would be together but then i’d give away those thoughts like those privileged enough to feed children with less. gracing their smiling faces with food for the soul that was fitting to last for days at a time and again i would think about you. your face would come to me at the most abrupt times when i needed you the most but my stubborn soul told me no. my soul was craving for light & though i wanted you in my life i blissfully obliged. i looked to the sky & gave god my word. securing all of what is to be in store for later on while knowing that somewhere along the lines you’d be in alignment with me. that time has come for us to meet on this journey.
i stay procrastinatin’ i stay doing a lot of things that aren’t getting me where i need to be in my life. there’s levels to this shit though. there’s some really high ones & then there are those lows that feel like there’s no way you could ever bounce back from but the fact of the matter is i know that i will. i’m not sure why i think i have time to fuck around but my brain is life so fucking fried. it’s like my left brain is so far away from the right brain. does that even make sense? part of me is lost in the middle. i’m not even in water. meaning i’m not drowning in misery. instead i’m being tortured in a dark hole with no ladder at the moment to climb the hell out. writing has always helped me sort things out. lately that has been a task. i’m storing my emotions out of my body rather than feeling them. i’m still reflecting.
soul reflectin’ things are changing. i’m always in the headspace of change even when my physical body hasn’t gotten the memo. my mind is constantly being fed. knowledge is constantly being crammed on the cells of my brain. i’m knowing that life is going to be great. i’m starting to remove doubt & worry. why even bother with silly emotions like that? why even pollute the mind to believe that you’re not worthy of all the things you deserve? that baffles the hell out of me but that was my thought process. even my thoughts on money is changing & i was one who never really gave it actual though. there’s a HIGH power in the middle of all of this change. one that i am seeking to help me go further. guidance will come when you ask for it. be sincere & you shall receive.
lost in thought. i always have this incredible urge to wash away yesterday but instead of doing so i just delete things. sometimes i regret it & other times not so much. i have this issue with getting personal & actually sitting with my thoughts. i believe that i have the ability to be creative & really spark peoples attention but at times i just can’t live with things i personally post whether it’s written, photographed or what have you. i have a serious issue with what i put into the universe although i still tend to fuck up. i just wanna be like everyone else & just say this is who i am, love it or walk away for good. i’m still kinda wrestling with the whole idea of it all so don’t mind me too much.