vainsmith

sidenote : lianne la havas, erykah badu, esperanza spalding should greet me in real life. i’m missing someone or a few but yeah, they all need to come to me in my dreams & then in reality. i’m trying to let that marinate & manifest lol.

do we ever know when there’s a possibility that love is in front of us? not that infatuation, sexual chemistry, let’s chill & see where things could possibly go type thing but actual love. i never know.

i should take that back because there have been times when i knew i’d love people beyond my strength & i’ve proven that to be true but was it because i wanted to feel that way for them or what? i never fucking know but i knew it for sure with one person in particular.

what tends to happen is i gradually start to like someone for whatever reason not because i’m lonely or NEED to be with someone that bad. it’s usually an amazing conversation that leads to another & another or they have a talent or gift that i truly admire. maybe it’s their charm or truth or broken-ness but for whatever reason i find myself floored by them.

i tend to find myself attracted to more than one person at time which then becomes very confusing until i figure out how to make it work. what also happens is that i like one so much that i tune everyone else out - it really just depends on what the energy is like. i hate being emotionally wrapped up. i don’t hate it i just hate being the only one, you know?

i’m not heartless at all. i believe in love. i have a higher faith & want to believe that someday i’m going to love someone the way they deserve and that they will give it back passionately. that’s what i believe. until then i am testing the waters to see what they give me back. if not much i will continue to be single. i’d rather be that than to hate someone for something that’s beyond their control.

we will get lessons & pieces of love in between to build our character for who we are to become for the person that is meant to be there for us i guess. okay, i’m rambling but i do mean it. someday love will come & i hope to be ready or grow to become a energy created by love.

i’ve been known to get ghost on people. i believe i’ve disappeared out of almost everyones life at least once. on my end it was expected. i even warned them ahead of time but some were too arrogant & didn’t believe my words & actions to be true. if i didn’t i’d never know if i miss that individual or if it was a phase or if it was an infatuation or if it was sex or if i was starting to care too much too soon or whatever. all i know is that i had to leave. i had to see if they were worth me coming back. if i’d be missed or if i was just another individual who happens to wander in anothers life for the fucking hell of it. i still can’t say. i just know whenever i’m overwhelmed i completely shut down for a bit.

people want power & they want you to give them that however they can take it whether it’s through mental intrusion, physical obstruction or emotionally - they will take it. don’t let them. i can’t say how. i’m still learning but i do know that people be on a real power trip. it’s an ego thing or more. bleh.

i see myself as a positive uplifting individual that wants to help people. my purpose is not for me i don’t believe. that would be too selfish & vain of me. i believe i’m here to reach out, be the face of change & show life from my point of view. i may drag my past in the mud but i will always be the light at the end of the tunnel. it may not be the brightest but i will try my damnest to put a smile on someones face even if there isn’t one on my own. i want to spread love. that’s really all i want to do with my life. i want to see children, adults, seniors - people of all races smile. it’s too much grief & sadness - not enough love.

i don’t call people i don’t care to speak to nor do i answer my phone for those same people. i’m not big on texting either so if i text you back you should feel special. i usually just throw my phone down & keep it moving. i don’t really visit peoples blogs unless i’m really interested. you will know if i’m viewing mad old posts posted forever ago. i become that kind of creep but it means i like you at least a little bit. i rarely ever say i love you but if i do it means i really fucking love you. i have never fought for love because no one has ever given me a reason to. sometimes i doubt if i’ll know if that person will be worth it.

we all entertain the thought, embark on the action or think about the next person we plan to have sexually. i love stories of the mind blowing sex & the not so mind blowing sex - or just sharing an idea or thought about it. i’m just interested. there’s always something new to learn about sex in my opinion.

i fall for women that sing & sing amazingly well. women who sing & mean it. women who sing & make you feel it. women who sing to me & make me feel like i’m special. this is a rare thing but when it happens i am truly in love.

the next person i find myself in a relationship with will have to be an artist or at least a love for the many forms of art. that’s the only way it’s going to work without me feeling like i’m compromising.

i’m passionate about a lot of things. mainly people & the power we tend to have without knowing. what you do with that power is what makes you who you are - with that being said it’s not really power. it’s just about the way you use yourself & the way people respond. i’m really big on communication. it’s one of the forms that are important to me.

i’ve come to the conclusion that blurred lines is in my head for longer than i anticipated. i’m blaming the video. i watch that video far too much. more than i’m willing to admit & to be honest i watch it mainly for t.i.’s old man moves lol. oh & for that one model because she’s so gorgeous.

sidenote : sanaa lathan needs to visit me in my dreams. i’ve always loved how bad ass she is in films. she’s beautiful & her eyes just make me wanna gaze all night. ugh. my infatuation for her never left. it’s just been on hiatus.

i remember being thirteen and being so in love with the film love & basketball. i believe i had more than a slight infatuation for both sanaa lathan & omar epps separately. i literally would watch that movie about 3 times a day everyday for months. i have not been able to watch that movie in years. i’d probably cringe at how crazy i was at that age. my teen years were very awkward. i don’t even wanna remember lol. you made a fool of me by meshell ndegeocello was the soundtrack to my life back then. that was one of my go to films for sure.

i’ve always been a flirt & probably will always be that. it’s healthy for me find a reason to acknowledge a strangers beauty, confidence, style or whatever they may have going for them. it doesn’t mean i want to get to know them, their life or have sex. it just means that in that very moment they’re appreciated. i have an appreciation for all not walks of life. i have no affectionate skills but most of the time i find something clever or witty to say & i can usually walk away from a situation feeling better about myself. sometimes you gotta flirt to make it work which is something i’m pretty good at doing.

i don’t have this huge ego. i don’t have this arrogance about me but i am pretty confident. that didn’t happen overnight. it took a great deal of time to find small parts of myself. that wasn’t easy & it still isn’t most of the time. people see me & see more than i see which to me is a good thing. it gives me perspective & an idea as to how i may appear to be strangers. to me i’m just myself. a struggling artist trying to survive the best way i can. some days are better than others & other days are shit. i’m no different than the next.

in my mind i have a bunch of cluttered ideas. things i wanna do, collect, see and blah blah blah. yet i can never form none of these visuals onto paper or in an actual savable form before it’s too late. i hate my brain. it turns on when it wants & shuts down before i can grasp the info i’m receiving. what’s life?

i’m sitting here trying to come up with ideas for a music video. i seriously want to put together some visuals for delight - listen if you haven’t & let me know if visuals are a good idea or not. thanks!