to be really brief with my experiences i’ll share with you two things. i finally got on a bus & traveled to a city, state i’d never been. i had an experience with someone special to me. someone i will always love forever. i’ll share that story when i’m in the zone to write. i also smoked a lil something, something that really has my mind open to trying once more, and again. every year something symbolic happens in my life. at times i forget but i want to document every little detail in actual notebooks, in my phone, on tumblr, via music, photos - wherever, however because i never want to forget again. life is too fucking grand for that. i’m creating my own path to my etched history. please do the same.
having no wifi has been a dreadful thing for me. i haven’t been able to get a thing done. i haven’t been able to properly upload anything so if this post goes through it would be a blessing. i haven’t been able to share my experiences & the path that i am currently on and the things i want to accomplish in my life. but again, having no wifi is so draining right now as i use my phone as a hotspot. i’m almost afraid to know what that actually means but it’s the sacrifice i am willing to make to let the world know that i have no abandoned my social media accounts. i just can’t do what i’d normally do which is have about 20 tabs open at once craving & learning. it’s also teaching me something about patience & the lack of it i truly have.
i always have this incredible urge to wash away yesterday but instead of doing so i just delete things. sometimes i regret it & other times not so much. i have this issue with getting personal & actually sitting with my thoughts. i believe that i have the ability to be creative & really spark peoples attention but at times i just can’t live with things i personally post whether it’s written, photographed or what have you. i have a serious issue with what i put into the universe although i still tend to fuck up. i just wanna be like everyone else & just say this is who i am, love it or walk away for good. i’m still kinda wrestling with the whole idea of it all so don’t mind me too much.
i may or may not have a slight HUGE crush on beyonce. not in a she’s the queen, i’m a stan, she is god type of way but in a way of remembering how much i loved her when she was apart of destiny’s child. having their posters on my wall, watching the making of bootylicious thinking it was the most amazing fucking thing to me begging my mom for the survivor album to being crazy in love with crazy in love the summer that it was released to hearing her voice & thinking to myself what if someday i meet that woman and we work together on a track. okay.. i’m not sure what the hell is going on with me but i’ve been really putting a lot of thoughts about B into the universe. i’m manifesting something major. let’s see how it goes.
i’m just like.. in my deepest feelings with a feeling of doubt, assurance & some other shit. i can’t describe it. i feel deep feelings in the pit of my stomach while thinking with my brain & feeling things with my heart. in this moment i feel like tears are just gonna roll but i’m also laughing as i scroll through tumblr which is a good distraction. when you know yourself, what you feel, what / who you feel them for, you just know. all day i’ve been just feeling numb at times, curious, nauseous and just overall out of myself while being myself. i’m rambling. i had to attempt to make some sense of this. i failed.