i always have this incredible urge to wash away yesterday but instead of doing so i just delete things. sometimes i regret it & other times not so much. i have this issue with getting personal & actually sitting with my thoughts. i believe that i have the ability to be creative & really spark peoples attention but at times i just can’t live with things i personally post whether it’s written, photographed or what have you. i have a serious issue with what i put into the universe although i still tend to fuck up. i just wanna be like everyone else & just say this is who i am, love it or walk away for good. i’m still kinda wrestling with the whole idea of it all so don’t mind me too much.
i may or may not have a slight HUGE crush on beyonce. not in a she’s the queen, i’m a stan, she is god type of way but in a way of remembering how much i loved her when she was apart of destiny’s child. having their posters on my wall, watching the making of bootylicious thinking it was the most amazing fucking thing to me begging my mom for the survivor album to being crazy in love with crazy in love the summer that it was released to hearing her voice & thinking to myself what if someday i meet that woman and we work together on a track. okay.. i’m not sure what the hell is going on with me but i’ve been really putting a lot of thoughts about B into the universe. i’m manifesting something major. let’s see how it goes.
i’m just like.. in my deepest feelings with a feeling of doubt, assurance & some other shit. i can’t describe it. i feel deep feelings in the pit of my stomach while thinking with my brain & feeling things with my heart. in this moment i feel like tears are just gonna roll but i’m also laughing as i scroll through tumblr which is a good distraction. when you know yourself, what you feel, what / who you feel them for, you just know. all day i’ve been just feeling numb at times, curious, nauseous and just overall out of myself while being myself. i’m rambling. i had to attempt to make some sense of this. i failed.